Will America Leave her Abuser?

Our country is in an abusive relationship with Donald Trump. Although we mustered the collective strength to leave him once, America went back to him. Why?

Why didn’t she just leave? We’ve all heard the question asked. We might have even wondered ourselves when we learn that a person endured years of abuse, or, worse still, when we see another news report about a woman killed by her husband or partner.

Why didn’t she just leave?

What kind of person voluntarily subjects themselves to abuse? Could it really have been as bad as she claims if she chose to stay? She was free to come and go, and she chose to stay. Most who have never been in an abusive relationship believe they would leave; they’d never allow someone to treat them that way, and, moreover, if they knew someone who was being abused, they would try to help. They would do something.

Now is your chance. This is your moment because America is in an abusive relationship with Donald Trump, and although we mustered the collective strength to leave him once, America went back to him. And like a typical abuser, Trump is making us pay for leaving him and taking every step he can to make sure we’re never capable of doing it again.

The parallels between authoritarianism and domestic abuse are legion. The Christian nationalists supporting the Trump regime elevate domestic, institutional, and societal abuse to a biblical obligation. They abuse for the glory of God and in God’s name. But they don’t call it abuse. Christian nationalists pretty it up with terms like “natural order.” Trump calls it restoring public safety or ending reverse discrimination. Both Trump and these religious extremists insist their goal is the ultimate meritocracy. How will they know the meritocracy is successfully functioning? Straight, white Christian nationalist men will be in control of everything, of course.

Trump is providing daily and escalating examples of his abusive nature and authoritarian ambitions, demanding loyalty and submission from individuals, cities, states, and nations. He does this with the abuser’s ever-present “don’t make me hurt you” menace and “it’s for your own good” justification. If only America would submit, then Trump could keep us safe, provide for us, and the abuse could stop. In the abuser’s mind, the Christian nationalist ethos and the authoritarian leader’s rationalizations, demands for compliance and loyalty are not personal desires, but altruistic efforts. They have complete certainty that they know what is best for us and, if it takes a firm hand, some physical violence or coercion, they are only doing what they must — what their victims have forced them to do.

So, why don’t we just leave him? It’s infinitely more complicated than the question implies. It can be dangerous, as domestic violence statistics show. The most dangerous time for a woman in an abusive relationship is when she makes a move to leave. Beyond physical risks, leaving an abuser can mean being ostracized from those you care about. It can result in economic uncertainty or even ruin. Christian nationalists cut ties with family members who refuse to conform. Donald Trump has made it clear that careers can be ended, and investigations and incarcerations could become the norm. He casually throws around the societal necessity of more executions — including for “treason,” which he defines as a failure to submit to his demands and carry out his wishes.

It’s not unusual or difficult to understand why many victims of abuse seek refuge through submission. Defiance can be scary. It can be dangerous. But so is submission because the abuser, the authoritarian, the Christian nationalist dictator in your home will never be satisfied. Submitting to an abuser not only emboldens the abuser and increases the demands, but it also feeds contempt. Those who submit to Trump do not gain his respect and esteem. Any praise they receive from him is purely transactional and can turn on a dime to withering lies and hatred.

Just ask Mike Pence, Bob Barr, John F. Kelly — the list goes on and only grows longer. There will always be another line to cross, another loyalty test to take. Trump’s demands, as with all abusers, come from a bottomless pit with the goal of dragging you into it. In that pit, you will not find a firm footing, safety, freedom, or your dignity. The abuser’s goal is to take those from you and keep them.

The nations that successfully leave their abusers do so not through compliance but defiance. They meet intimidation tactics with courage. They meet division with solidarity. They meet efforts to silence them with a cacophony of voices. They meet despair with resolve. They meet conformity with ingenuity. Authoritarians have a playbook, but so do successful opposition movements, and it does not include complying in advance.

Trump, his henchmen, and the Christian nationalists supporting his autocratic ambitions want us exhausted and feeling the inevitability of their success because the only way they win is if we hand victory to them. Citizens will author the next chapter of our American story, and each of us must decide now — not tomorrow, not in the midterms, but now — if we are who we want to believe ourselves to be: That person who, in the face of cruelty and abuse, stands up and does something.

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