The Reality Show President Goes Back to his Roots
A satirical look at the Trump Regime’s bread and circuses — minus the bread.
My sources inform me that the Trump Regime is having its own internal “reality” show in which members of the royal court come before the king as jesters, competing to see who can come up with the most outrageously evil idea that will amuse His Most Royal Majesty and distract his cult followers from what he is doing to harm them and destroy America.
Apparently, someone told the resident of the All-White House that the Roman Empire kept its subjects from rebelling by providing the masses with “bread and circuses.”
“Bread? Fuhgeddaboudit! I’m not going to feed any of those dimwits!” His Most Royal Majesty exclaimed. “But circuses — that sounds like just the thing … like reality television! People are saying that a juvenile came up with the idea, which is great … like Elon’s Muskbrats. They did a helluva job in destroying all that empathy shit. So, no bread for anyone! Who was that woman, Mary Anthony or something? She said, ‘Let them eat cake!’ That’s a pretty good idea for a woman to come up with.”
Trump started a competition among his courtiers to pitch concepts for entertaining spectacles that would get great TV ratings and “keep our people from noticing that I’m screwing them.”
Kristi Noem was first out of the gate with her plan to have a Hunger Games-style “reality” show, produced by the Duck Dynasty people, in which immigrants — only brown and black people are eligible — compete to see who survives by being allowed to stay in the United States and the rest are sent back to face possible death in the places from which they are seeking refuge. Presumably dog-shooting will be part of the competition.
That show is going to be tough to top … uh, bottom. “What can you come up with, Junior?” King Donald asked his Secretary of Illness and No Human Services. Bobby mumbled something about brain worms and vaccines and then took his grandchildren swimming in sewage to see if that might work as a televised competition.
“How about battles to the death between brown and black gangs staged in football stadiums around the country?” Linda McMahon offered. Stephen Miller leapt to attention, exclaiming, “Jawohl, mein Führer!” He was salivating. “Only White Fans will be allowed in person, but it will be available on pay-per-view. And why restrict it to immigrants? Let’s reduce the surplus populations of Untermenschen of all types!” Miller’s lips curved upward into a pseudo-smile.
“How about a contest to see who can come up with the best ways to bomb women’s health centers?” Vice Führer Vance helpfully suggested.
So far, the idea that has most enthralled His Royal Majesty came from Pam Bondi. “Let’s do a ‘Real Housewives of Stepford,’ she said, “a to-the-death competition held on a Hollywood backlot version of Stepford, Connecticut.” This totally anti-reality reality show will have Trump himself as the emcee. It will consist of women charged with the crime of asserting that they are equal and own their bodies against one another in a variety of competitive events: housecleaning, cooking, meal-serving, demonstrating complete subservience to a MAGA incel assigned to be in the role of her husband, playing children’s games, diaper-changing, shirt-ironing, remaining silent, grocery-shopping [during this segment, praise will be lavished on Donald Trump for having learned the word “groceries”], and wearing frilly floor-length dresses with aprons on the catwalk.
The grand climax event will pit the girls against one another in seduction of the man playing her husband, having sex with him, and faking an ecstatic orgasm, in which she moans and says,
“Oh, yes — OOH! Yes — oh — ohhhh! Nobody’s ever touched me the way you touch me, Frank [fill in the MAGAman’s name]! You’re the BEST, [name]!
Ooooh! You’re the best—you’re the champion, [name]! Oh—OOOHH!! You’re the MASTER!! Ohhh, God! are you the best! You’re the KING, [name]!
Triple points will be awarded to the winner in this climactic event.
Winners & Losers: Kristi Noem Is Confuzzled
Welcome back to Winners & Losers, your weekly guide to the lunatics running the asylum, and the adults keeping the lights on (just barely).
The lucky — or highly skilled at subservience — lady will win the right to life, no liberty and unhappiness marrying the MAGA incel for whom she turned in a fake orgasm performance on the level of Meg Ryan’s in the “I’ll have what she’s having” scene in When Harry Met Sally. The losers (the Commanding Emcee-in-Chief himself will announce them, one-by-one, enumerating their failings and bellowing, “You’re a loooser!”) will be immediately taken offstage, erased from the world of the living, and replaced by a fully functional sex-and-submissive robot looking exactly like the late un-woman loser.
It is anticipated that ratings for the show will eventually decline, and Regime producers have a plan for that. Instead of the unfortunate real woman being taken offstage and eliminated off-camera, they will have her robot doppelgänger walk on stage with a sheer nylon stocking in her hands. The replica will then use it to strangle her human female counterpart who was not sufficiently living down to her biological requirements. Cameras will move in for closeup angles of her last breaths. The studio audience will be prompted to cheer and applaud loudly, shouting “Kill the bitch!” The replacement woman will then go and bow obediently before her MAGA master.
When the viewers tire of that, the show will move on to having the loser women stabbed repeatedly by their replacements in a bloody spectacle that will satisfy the MAGA base viewership. Ultimately, they will move on to having the winning woman kill the losers. What could be more Trumpian?
If any of the other sycophants hope to top “The Real Housewives of Stepford” in wowing their Führer, they are going to have to think big, bold, and old. Which one will come up with a made-for-TV slave auction? Contestants, limited of course to white men, including recent Afrikaner refugees from the “genocide” in South Africa, could be put before a panel of Ku Klux Klan members and Nazis, who would interrogate them on why slavery is the only fitting condition for semi-human creatures with dark complexions, who were much happier and less troublesome when they were enslaved. The winner would receive ownership of a slave of his own. Stephen Miller could host this one. It could be paired with another Trump reality show for white women, “Who Wants to Marry John C. Calhoun?”
This is a guest column from author and historian Robert S. McElvaine, who writes the “Musings & Amusings of a B-List Writer” Substack.
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