My First Love

On the heartbreak, disillusionment, and the enduring promise of loving a beautiful, but deeply-flawed nation.

I fell in love with her when I was very young.

Youth has a way of blindly looking at the world with optimism and hope. And often times we look over obvious flaws and problematic issues that others older and wiser can see much more clearly.

Many others loved her, but I believed what I saw in her was much more beautiful than they could see. I would say her name at night, I would celebrate her birthday every year. I would try to tell everyone I met how wonderful she was. I went out of my way to learn her story and try to understand what made her who she is.

I even got into politics as a profession because I thought it would get me closer to her. Politics is a huge part of her life. And I believed by going into politics and working on campaigns, I could have helped her, and in some ways protect her from others that seemed to want to hurt her.

As I got older and had more experiences, I begin to learn she had a history that wasn’t always pretty. Even though she did so many great things, she could also at times hurt others. And she didn’t always live up to her own values that she often said she stood for. Though I still loved her, I began to see her more clearly and with open eyes. She was beautiful, but there was often much ugliness she got involved with and acted on. Yes, part of heartbreak is finding out things that aren’t positive which in our youth we missed.

I also began to realize though I loved her, she wasn’t the only one who was beautiful in the world and who could do good things. My eyes opened to the possibility that maybe she wasn’t the one who deserved my heart. Maybe with all her flaws, there could be another I could build a relationship with.

All of this was compounded in the last decade or so when she got involved with someone who was an absolutely awful human being. A man who was opposite of what I thought her fundamental values were. I thought she cared about others; he didn’t. I thought she believed in honesty and integrity, he didn’t. And I thought she was about service more than self. This man she got involved with was all about self and thought service was a joke.

I and others tried to tell her, but she didn’t seem to listen. This man appealed to her worst instincts, and tried to convince her that no one loved her except him. Her light became dimmed by his darkness. She was in an abusive relationship, and got so lost in the battering of this man.

Should I give up on her? Should I look to another to fall in love? Should I take a big step and let go of this first love? Others had decided to reject her and tried to convince me to let her go. She wasn’t worth it anymore. That if I stuck with her I was in denial and had become co-dependent.

Falling in love in our youth without a lot of background driven by one’s heart is easy. It is seeing one clearly and maturely with all their flaws, knowing they made massive mistakes, and being involved with someone despicable, and still loving that one is hard.

I made a decision that she was too much part of my life to let her go. I knew her too well, and she was too close to home to go off and find another. So I decided to fight for her. To explain to others that we could still believe in her, and to get her the help she needed to get out of this awful relationship she was in.

My effort, and the efforts of many others, seems to be working. She is seeing this man for who he is, and she is beginning to move back to the light and away from the dark. She is beginning to get her feet under her about the fundamental values she has always stood for.

Now is not the time to walk away. She is in a perilous situation, and could easily tip back into the an abusive relationship with this man, or others who come after him who appeal to her darkness. I, for one, will do everything I can to help her and protect her from those who would do her harm.

America, I will always love you. I have loved you my whole life. Even as you have broken my heart.

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