'How DARE the Fake News Say I Don’t Give a Sh*t about Anyone?… I Am Sh*tting on EVERYONE!'

We obtained a recording of a private rant by America’s monarch when we were accidentally added to a White House group on Signal. (**This is satire**)

His Royal Majesty recently gave an impromptu talk to some guests at Mar-a-Lago, I obtained a recording that someone there made on their phone and sent it out on Signal. Apparently, I was accidentally added to the group for the message.Here is the full, unedited transcript:

How DARE the Fake News say I don’t give a shit about anyone but myself and billionaires? That’s a lie! I am giving bullshit to everyone whenever I open my mouth or hit keys on my phone with my tiny fingers!

And the undeniable truth is that I AM shitting on everyone—except for Vladimir, of course.

I am shitting on veterans!

I am shitting on retirees!

I am shitting on small businesses!

I am shitting on consumers!

I am shitting on farmers!

I am shitting on people with sicknesses!

I am shitting on the Constitution!

I shit on the—Declaration of … uh, what’s it called? You know, the one that says, “All men are created equal!” What commie bullshit! I’m telling Pam Bondi to arrest that Jefferson guy. I hear he’s living in a de-luxe apartment in the sky on the East Side of New York. He should be executed for treason! People are saying he doesn’t like kings. Well, musk him!

I am shitting on Congress!

I am shitting on the courts!

I am shitting on freedom of speech, the press, religion, and to peacefully assemble to protest!

I am shitting on hungry children!

I am shitting on our allies!

I am shitting on democracy!

I’m shitting on Social Security, Medicare, Medicaid, and anything else that helps people, like all that mothermusking aid to people—some people are saying they’re really NOT people—in shithole countries where there is war, famine, and disease. If they wanted to eat and have a house and healthcare, why didn’t they invest wisely? Do you know how much people in this administration have made just in the past week by having insider information on my tariff flipflops?

I’m shitting on women! I’m shitting on men, too!

I’m shitting on people who aren’t white! I’m shitting on people who are white!

I’m shitting on Democrats! I’m shitting on Republicans! I’m shitting on independents!

I’m shitting on blue states, I’m shitting on red states. I’m shitting on swing states!

I’m shitting on cities, on suburbs, on small towns, on villages, on rural areas!

I shit on medical research. I shit on vaccines.

I shit on decency, caring about others, … Elon says empathy is a sin that will destroy civilization. I don’t know what empathy means, but whatever it is, I shit on it!

I am shitting on men who are just rich—not billionaires—poor men (of course), beggar men, thieves, doctors, lawyers, and Indian chiefs!

I’m shitting on the environment! I’m shitting on national parks! I’m shitting on clean water, clean air, “green” energy. I’m shitting on cleaning up toxic waste!

I shit on windmills—Jesus Christ! And solar panels! I mean, what happens when you need electricity at night or on a cloudy day? I shit on that!

I’m shitting on immigrants—except white ones from South Africa!

I shit on people with handicaps! [He paused to flail his arms around, which his audience found amusing.] You remember that shithead John McCain? [He tried to lift his arm but couldn’t get it up.] He acted like he was a man, but he couldn’t even get it up!

I CAN! Every girl I’ve been with, from 13 to 35—that’s check-out time for women, you know—has told me how impressed she is with my … equipment!

I shit on all those weirdos—LSMFT or whatever they call themselves. I know the “L” is for lesbians, and I do like to watch them in action … the nice-looking ones … not the dykes. Before I restored freedom of degrading speech, you weren’t sposta say that. But now, we’re all free to call a faggot a faggot! (But not, of course, to be one … unless you’re a Republican … You’re welcome!

And I especially shit on trans … creatures. Men pretending they’re women so they can go into women’s bathrooms and locker rooms! It’s terrible—a complete disgrace! If you want to go into girls’ dressing rooms, all you need to do is buy a teen beauty pageant like I did! Looking at all those beautiful naked young girls! You can do it, because you OWN them! … That ain’t workin’, that’s the way you do it. Money for nothing and your chicks for free!.

That’s long been my, uh … philosophy. … I think that’s the word … I am a very stable genius, you know? … Person. Woman. Man. Camera. TV. Hardly anyone can do that, ya know.

I shit on American defense—except spending hundreds of billions of dollars on unneeded weapons so investors can balloon their fortunes.

I shit on people who join the military. I mean, what’s in it for them? I just don’t understand. And the ones who get killed or seriously wounded defending the United States! They wanted me to go to a cemetery in France or someplace over there where at least the people are white but they don’t have the sense to speak English—where Americans were killed in … it may have been the French Revolution or something—were buried. I mean, it was raining! My makeup would have dripped! My hairpiec … I mean, my hair … would have been blown all over the place! And my tie, which I wear almost as long as my … manhood … would have blown wildly. WTF? I mean, they all got killed! They’re all losers! Musk them!

I’m shitting on NATO, I’m shitting on Canada, Mexico … I’m shitting on Greenland, I’m shitting on penguins! They have to stop that DEI shit. Why do they wear black with white? When they dress in all white, I’ll lift my tariffs on them!

I’m shitting on the world economy! I shit out tariffs!

I am shitting on the past, I am shitting on the present, I am shitting on the future! Why would I care about that? People tell me I’ll be dead … after several more terms as your favorite president!

I shit on cybersecurity! I shit on police. I shit on firefighters. I shit on all those “community helpers” the leftist kindergarten teachers tell kids about!

I shit on books. I shit on libraries! I shit on people who say the Holocaust happened … or that it was a bad thing. 6MWNE! … Look it up!

I’m shitting on history. I’m shitting on truth. I’m shitting on the world of fact!

I’m shitting on science. I’m shitting on medicine. I’m shitting on lawyers. I’m shitting on professors. I’m shitting on teachers. I’m shitting on students.

I’m shitting on actors. I’m shitting on directors. I’m shitting on Hollywood!

The American people should be thankful that they have a ruler who is SO full of shit that I have enough to go around!

I shit on everyone who doesn’t kiss my ass and those who do are in a good place for me to shit on them, too, so I do.

Somebody who reads told me about a book about people who are naked and dead … I like naked better. I think they said he was a mailman. Anyway, they told me about a character in the book who says, in all caps, like I do, “I HATE EVERYTHING WHICH IS NOT IN MYSELF.” That’s ME! … I think I’ll sue for a share of the profits from the book.

This is a guest column from author and historian Robert S. McElvaine, who writes the Musings & Amusings of a B-List Writer Substack. Read the original piece here.