A Modest Proposal

Trump's for-profit gulags have been proven effective, but expensive. Fortunately, there's a better solution that would also help eradicate hunger in America.

Editor’s Note: In the 18th century, author Jonathan Swift penned a satirical essay suggesting that poor Irish families could subsist by selling their offspring as a culinary delicacy for the elite. In that spirit, Stuart Stevens presents to you a fitting proposition for the Trump era.

We have lately witnessed the great success of masked men seizing individuals across America and shipping them in chains to a foreign gulag where they will spend the rest of their hopefully short lives. While it is a practice developed over decades in the Soviet Union, it is gratifying that the Trump administration has further advanced the system by locating the abducted in a maximum-security foreign gulag. In the more primitive days of the Soviet Union, it was rare, but possible, for the abducted to escape. The modern refinements of a for-profit torture gulag appear to have solved this issue. While the promise of the gulag management team that no abductee will leave “except in a coffin” could be viewed as marketing hyperbole, it does reflect a dedication to the more evolved methods of professionalized gulag operation.

However, there is one great flaw in the system inherent in the term “for profit” gulag. Those paying taxes in America, which, of course, includes many of the abducted, are currently required to fund the torture gulag at the cost of millions of dollars. Looking ahead and foreseeing the promised expansion of the foreign gulag system, this cost will grow to be yet another expense that the 19-year-old computer apparatchiks of Elon Musk will rightfully find most troubling. Fortunately, there is an easy solution to this nagging problem that offers additional benefits for the American taxpayers.

Currently, there are over 47 million Americans who do not have enough to eat, a term delightfully sanitized by the Deep State as “food insecure.” Their numbers will only grow as the government makes the tough, but necessary, decisions necessitated by the greater need to reduce taxes for billionaires.

Thus, a simple and efficient solution presents itself. I have been assured by one of the brilliant young aides to Elon Musk that a healthy South American male has the makings of a most delicious, nourishing, and wholesome food, whether stewed, roasted, baked, or boiled. Given the brilliance of American star chefs, there is every reason to believe they will equally serve in a fricassee or a ragout. I do, therefore, humbly offer it to public consideration that we end the frivolous expenditure of supporting a foreign gulag while a much more economical and productive alternative is available.

While the average Venezuelan or Salvadorian is shorter and weighs less than a hardy, corn-fed American male, one of the abductees at an average of 160 pounds could help feed a family of four for several months. In previous, more primitive times, the possibility of legal restraints might be raised to thwart this meritorious plan, we have fortunately moved past such hindrances and thus can focus on the Greater Good.

It will, undoubtedly, be very meaningful to the abductees that, after a life of antisocial behavior, they now have the opportunity to contribute to society. It is likely to see a boom in the tattoo industry when young South American males in America eagerly step forward to pay for the requisite tattoos to gain membership in this elite program. What better way to find purpose in a life filled with the hollow pursuit of higher video game scores and new sneakers.

At a time when cooking shows are extremely popular, this presents Fox News with an opportunity to enter a new marketplace. The Five can host cooking competitions to develop new and exciting recipes. The United Kingdom has the Great British Bake Off as a cultural ambassador. Fox could quickly capture the imagination of an international audience with The South American Cooking Show. What better way to demonstrate yet another benefit of the innovation of the Trump administration.

I profess, in the sincerity of my heart, that I have not the least personal interest in endeavoring to promote this necessary work, having no other motive than the public good of my country, by advancing our trade, relieving the poor, and giving some pleasure to the rich. While it would be a great honor to be credited with the brilliance of this innovative solution to a major societal problem, I must confess that the idea first came to me when I stumbled into a chat room discussion dedicated to the genius of Peter Thiel. Those who believe that Peter Thiel’s work is only appreciated by the futurist dedicated to ending both democracy and mortality should take note that his unique vision is being applied to current, real-world problems.

With a grateful heart for the new possibilities afforded in this Golden Age, I humbly submit my proposal.